After a few hard days, my mind keeps drifting to the depression and anxiety surveys you are required to fill out after having a baby or when at a new doctors office. Trust me, as a counselor, I understand the importance of those surveys, but I just wonder how honest people can be on them. I know the point of them is to open the door to conversations and they are not the end all be all for answers. So where my mind has gone with that thought train is–is it hard to be honest on them because that would mean admitting faults of your own? Or because being honest means hurting someone you care about? Like maybe admitting yes on there feels like putting a target on someone who you love. Yet marking yes means they are contributing to your pain. Or maybe it is hard because it is the start to admitting to yourself that you need help. Admitting that you need help always seems like you’re opening yourself up to a label. You’re broken. You’re damaged. But you’re not. Admitting you need help is the biggest step of strength. As humans, our bodies may be deficient in something. Maybe the cards you were dealt as a kid were extra hard. Maybe life has been difficult lately. Whatever the reason, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you and nothing wrong with needing help. You’re also not a bad guy if seeking help means you have to state a few hard truths about people you love. That is the first step towards healthy boundaries and communication. That was a lot. Some heavy stuff for a Monday. Who knew a simple action of circling yes or no could hold so much weight. So if you’ve been there or find yourself there one day hesitating between the yes and the no and the level of honest you want to be… I believe in you. I am proud of you. Taking care of yourself is not selfish and your life is more important than any label anyone can give you. Labels come and go. You cannot.
How Do We Always Give Our All?
I saw on one of Good Morning America‘s many Instagram post that they were asking for advice on how Moms are always able to give their all to everyone who needs it. So of course my wheels starting turning. How do we do it? How do we continually find the energy even when there is none? As a Mom of two, I genuinely do not know. I watch my friends be Moms. My coworkers be Moms. My Mom be Mom and now Mema. Whether you are a stay at home Mom, a work from home Mom, a work outside of the home Mom, a Mom who has a Nanny and help, a Mom who is fighting the battle to get back to her kids in some capacity… no matter what label of Mom this world has put on you, please know you are amazing. Nothing you do is easy. In fact, everything you do is exhausting. Because the reality is whether you’ve done anything within the day you are always doing something. Our Mom brains do not shut off. There is always a question, worry, or thought in our head.. whether it is our to-do list, replaying an interaction we had with our kids, questioning whether you are raising them right, worrying that they are breathing, creating some irrational situation in your head where you worry about something that is probably not going to become reality… I could sit on the couch for 24 hours and still be exhausted. The mental space of being a Mom is almost more exhausting than the physical. Yet we do it. We show up when we need to. We push down our own feelings and needs when we need to. We take cold medicine and shake it off.
So to anyone who happens to read this… I believe in you. You are doing great. If your kids are loved, there is not much more they can ask for. It is okay to find time for you. It is okay to reach out to someone and ask for help. It is okay to state how you feel. It is okay to share what you need. YOU are important. YOU need to be the best you that you can be to keep going for you and your kiddos. You are never alone. Even in the darkest of times when you feel alone to your core, I promise you that someone can relate. You need to find your people. Comment here and I can be your person. Find my Insta and message me.
And remember, this journey may be exhausting, but how blessed are we to know the love of our children? Whether you’ve been gifted children naturally, with medical help, through surrogacy, adoption, fostering, however the means that you became Mom, I know the love you have for your children runs the deepest it can and again, how lucky are we to know the love of our children? I have found no better feeling and where being a Mom is exhausting, it also fills my cup in a way I never knew existed until becoming Mom. This chapter will go quick. You will continue to blink and your littles will slowly get bigger and bigger. One day I believe we will look back and barely remember this level of exhaustion but we will most definitely remember the level of love and joy watching our little humans grow gave us. Hang in there, Mama. I see you.
*I know there are Dads out there doing it all, too. I am not here to discredit you. I am just not a Dad. I imagine a lot of these things apply to you, too but I am a firm believer in never speaking for anyone else. My words here are my words and my experiences. I appreciate any involved parent whether you are Mom or Dad.
Anything but Not Everything
In the middle of my travels this weekend, I found myself drifting off to think about my children. No surprise there. As a Mom, they are on my mind 110% of the time. I was unloading the truck, moving mattresses, and getting my family set up for a weekend at the cabin and I was doing it by myself. My husband walked in once I was done (no fault of his on the timing) and started asking all the questions where I verbally expressed all items on the checklist were done, done, done. I was raised to just do it. Be helpful. Contribute to the room. As someone who is a giver by nature, being raised that way has shaped me into a very independent human. I would rather do something than ask for help. Now, that does not mean I won’t get annoyed with the individual sitting on the couch while I am doing things. Often an argument in my marriage haha.. my mindset is if something needs done, just do it, and I get so frustrated with people who do not operate on that level. Yet I love being a strong, independent woman who people know they can count on. It is often very conflicting within my brain. Back to how this got me thinking about my children. I want to raise them to be the same way. Go getters. Helpers. Givers. I also want to raise them to recognize when they cannot do something. I want them to ask for help. Seek clarification. Ask the questions. Find their corner of people who they know they can rely on when they cannot carry the weight of something alone. This life is too hard for anyone to think they should have to do it all alone. I want them to recognize in themselves and in others when to step up and when to step down. My parents would do ANYTHING for me yet they did not do everything. Sounds conflicting, right? It is. Yet, I get it. I would do anything for my kids. If they needed help, I would try my best to help them even if it meant sacrificing my own life. And at the same time, I will not do everything for them. The best thing I can do for them is to teach them to be independent. I can try to guide them to courage yet enough fear to be cautious. Kind but self-aware enough to say no and set boundaries. Curious yet humble enough to know when to ask for help. Independent, but confident enough in our relationship to know they can always come home. My goal is to support them through anything, but not to hand them everything.
