Being the first person in a group of siblings to have children, you often hear “oh the first grandkid!” Having the first grandchild is a big deal. There is something so special about watching your parents be grandparents. But what isn’t talked about as much, or maybe it is, and I just lived in a world of ignorance is the role that Aunts and Uncles play. I have fantastic Aunts and Uncles but I never knew the depth of what that meant until I got to see my siblings transition into those roles. In fact, one of my favorite parts of being a mother is watching how intensely my people love my little humans. Seeing the joy that my people bring to my children is the absolute best. Just recently though I have realized that I fear I cannot and will not be the aunt to their littles as they have been to mine. I LOVE my nieces and nephews beyond fiercely, but the selflessness that my siblings gave to me to help me transition into the mother role and to love on my littles cannot be returned on that same level. In order for me to give my time and help like they gave me, I still have to have people in my corner helping me. I can help them when I have people willing to help me, but even then my time with them comes with the guilt of not being with my own children… so yet again, I am there and invested, but it will never be all of me like they were able to give my kiddos for a few years. Even though during this initial chapter of my siblings becoming parents, I cannot be there for them in all the ways they were me, I do hope I can return the love and support in additional ways throughout our lives. Relationships are not always 50/50. My siblings have given me and my children more than we’ve given the last few years and if or when I can, I hope to give back more than we take. To the sweet peanuts I adventured with last weekend, to the sweet peanut I made laugh yesterday, and to the sweet peanut I rocked all night long last night, I will always cherish our moments and I will always be in your corner. I love you. I love you. I love you.
Me? Mom? Are They the Same?
This past weekend I stepped away from my kids for a night to listen to some live music. I thoroughly enjoyed my time yet could not wait to squeeze their little faces. People are not joking when they say Mom guilt is real. Yet my cup needs to be filled in ways besides through my children or I cannot be the best me for them. Expecting my children to be the sole people responsible for filling my cup is a huge and unfair burden on little humans who do not need that. Finding the balance between feeling like me and being the Mom I want to be to my children is so hard. The reason I am here and am typing all these random thoughts to the internet and whomever may stumble upon this page is because I decided 2023 would be the year about me. The year I stop being afraid of putting myself out there. The year I stop being afraid of change. Deciding to self-publish children’s books has become so much more of a journey than I could have thought. I didn’t pursue publishing for financial gain. But once I started hearing the feedback from people connecting with my words, I did not want to stop. I do not want to stop. Marketing “myself” in this world today is not me. I am awkward. I am not an open book. I don’t even have time most days to shower. Yet, I have found myself continually trying various social media platforms. I have tried multiple ways of reaching individuals who I hope will just give my books a chance. It is like that quote, “I have not failed, I have just found 10,000 different ways that have not worked.” I keep thinking that if nobody has enjoyed my books yet that I have failed. But then I pause and think… okay, April 2023 was not that long ago. These books are out there now. We still have time for them to be the “break” in life that I need. Want. Crave. If you find my Instagram, I have started using the #influencer.. even though I am not trying to be an influencer. Do not get me wrong… I love popping onto Instagram to see my favorite influencers. So if I am not trying to be an influencer and I do not want to market myself… I find myself in moments of, “What am I doing?” and then I find myself in moments of “You can do this.” How does this tie into the beginning of this blog—Me? or Mom? Because I am pushing myself so I can be the Mom I want to be. I want to make my kids proud. I want to continue to show them I chased my dreams. I pursued a passion that gave me a “high” like no other… publishing books. Connecting with people through MY random thoughts and feelings. As somebody, who has grown up being called sensitive and too emotional, I have finally figured out that there is no better way to fill my cup than to connect with people through my words. By hearing how you relate or felt while reading my books, my cup gets filled. I am not alone. Putting myself out there, and in some aspects feeling like a little bit of a creep with a whole lot of desperation, I am hoping I can look back one day and say, “I did it, kids and you can too. I am always in your corner. Life takes failing. The victory is that you do not give up on something that you are passionate about. Something that helps you feel like you. Whatever version of you that you want to be.”
Keep em Safe and Raise em Wild
We were on an evening side by side ride. My daughter knows we sit down buckled when riding. Yet she decided to test the waters and stand up. She was admiring the sunset. Before telling her to sit down, I paused to admire her. My mind started wandering… how do I keep her safe? Yet let her be wild? You know all those quotes and memes about how you’ll appreciate her fire and sass when she is older, independent, and making a difference in this world? I guess the best I can do is to show her and give her all I know. So instead of sheltering her, I am hoping to be honest enough and educate her enough that she’ll learn right and wrong, safe and unsafe on her own. Honesty is hard and a lot of people think we should shelter kids from the truth, but that is not how I am choosing to parent my children. I am choosing to be honest. When my three year old comes back with her current favorite phrase of, “why?” I do not always know what to say. I do not know why everything is the way it is. I sometimes do not know how to explain things for a child’s mind while being honest. It truly is hard. Yesterday she came up to me crying because she had broke one of my outdoor statues. I sent a snap to my sisters because it is one we all three have. They responded with: You should be proud. She knew she messed up and she knew she could come tell you. That is amazing. And that, my friends, is how I always hope our dynamic is… I give her enough space to let her grow, yet love her hard enough that she’ll always see me as a safe place.
To my wild, adventurous, yet SO empathetic and caring THREE year old. You blow my mind with who you are already. I hope you are always true to you. This world needs more of you. Keep being the sunshine, baby.
Hard Days as a Mom
I love my kids more than anything. I often say motherhood is the best, yet hardest journey I have been on and I have been through some. I want nothing but the best for my kids, but showing them and giving them the best if often so damn hard. I am starting to realize that taking care of myself is what will help me achieve that. But how do I do that when I am always needed? and I want to be needed? Yet I want a minute to myself? Balancing all of that is hard. I have realized that right now my kids are in a chapter of life that as long as they feel and know they are loved, I am doing okay. I am learning to accept who I am and all I can give. Father’s Day always puts me in my feels as I am missing my right hand, go-to man, and my daughter is in an age where she asks repeatedly about him and where he has gone… I love that. I do. I want her to remember him even though she will never fully know his joy and who he shaped me to be. But again, damn it gets hard. Being strong for my kids does not mean I do not show emotions. Being strong for my kids means I show emotion and I help them see and learn what I am feeling and how I am handling it. You’ve got this parents. It isn’t easy, but it is so damn worth it.
